Spring, life and taking time to write

So far the spring has been nice, weather is suspect here in Michigan but that is starting to change.

Work has been super busy limiting my chance to blog but this sunny Friday I had to take a break during my afternoon and write a bit.

The last few weeks have been a blur, we are always in FLR mode but until the last couple of days I have been doing what I need to, working hard and Mistress has been trying to keep up with her work demands.

Last weekend we had the opportunity to visit our friends in the lifestyle and had a great time, the time flew fast and after a great dinner we sat down and shared stories about our pasts, ideas about our FLR's, compared things and before we knew it, it was way late in the evening. Not getting home until almost 1 am the evening was a definite success. We are looking forward to the next opportunity to get together as the weather gets nicer the options for us grown exponentially to get together.

Unfortunately yesterday I received a text when I got to work.

"I had to iron my skirt this morning, I haven't worn it since over a week ago. Care to explain?"

I have learned over my life with Mistress when its a good time to explain a reason for something and when explaining a reason will just sound like an excuse. There is also a time like this when there really is no good reason and anything I offer would be an excuse so my response was.

"There is no explanation, it should have been done and it wasn't."

There was a few text lines of admonishment but nothing much else. This morning I had to go to work really early and thus didn't have a chance to check with her on what she was going to wear and make sure it was ready. Well she wanted to wear something else that was in that same pile. Now there is two days in a row where she had to iron something.

I am going to tell all of your reading this right now....That is not good!

Not sure what is going to happen but there isn't much of a chance she just glosses over this.

I tried to think of something I could do to make it up to her. But truth is, I know that won't work, the damage is done and I need to just accept what she decides and learn from it.

I know I will be up early tomorrow on my day off and making sure there is nothing left in that pile that needs to be ironed. A third offense would not be a comfortable situation.

Busy day

In addition to just being stupid busy at work, we now have people coming over for Easter this weekend.

This morning Mistress informed me that she has to work late tonight. Probably won't be home until about 10pm. While I knelt at her feet and said good bye to her before heading to work I said to her that I assumed when I get home I should be spending my time cleaning the house and getting it ready for guests this weekend.

She responded that she wanted the house, "Clean, guest ready cleaned, meaning no piles of things I need to go through later, When you are done in a room, it needs to be ready for guests." I of course acknowledged her words and agreed I would do exactly that.

I saw the smile on her face. Wasn't sure if it was because she was going to be away and knew that her servant would be doing the hard work to get ready for the guests. Whether it was because she knew her words would be obeyed or some other reason. I suspect it's a little of each.

Of course I am more than happy to go home and obey her. Truth is if she didn't tell me to go home, dress as her maid and clean I would have done it anyways. Its my job and no one is taking it away from me.

I guess if you aren't submissive that probably sounds stupid. My Mistress and I have joked many times when she is off work I will say, "And don't think you are going to spend your day cleaning and ruining my fun." To which she will reply, "Don't worry, I won't ruin your fun, heck I will probably just add to your work later by making a bigger mess." We have defined roles and we wouldn't trade them for the other's roles if we had to.

I can try to imagine have a talk with friends of mine...

Me "I can't go out with you guys tomorrow, my wife says she wants the house cleaned top to bottom."

Them "So why can't she do it?"

Me "Because she doesn't clean the house, its my job she just checks the work to make sure it meets her expectations."

Them "And what if it doesn't meet her approval?"

Me "That's her decision not mine, she will either make me do it again or punish me, or both. Depends on how bad the error was."

Them "Punish you? She punishes you."

Me, "Well of course, if I don't obey her she has to uphold her authority in our household."

Ok seriously I could never have that conversation with them. What would be even more difficult to explain is that the way we are was my idea to begin with. I asked for this. I wanted this and even begged at times for this.

Of course to admit to them that I gladly do everything she says AND as a reward I get to wear a maids uniform or something out of her closet when I do this work, would just never workout for me. I would probably have to find a new set of friends. Well most of them I suppose. I guess you never know who would be accepting if they found out.

Not sure if there is an actual lesson or point to this all except maybe that what we enjoy is what we enjoy, doesn't matter if anyone likes it or not, its just "Us"

Feel free to comment but I won't be able to respond tonight. I will be busy.

Trust and honesty.

Tough topic for me.

I spent my first marriage in a lie. I have had submissive desires since the earliest recollections of my life. But my first wife never knew. I didn't feel the trust to allow her into my world. Eventually I believe this caused our breakup, maybe not for those reasons but over time I grew away from the person I was because of always not being myself.

This past week a friend of mine let me know about a issue that had happened with him and his wife. While I won't go into what happened all I will say is it put a strain on their trust because a lack of honestly. Now don't worry, everything is fine now. But there was some healing that was needed.

This caused a flood of feelings back into me. Bad ones. Feelings of how I was in the past and what I am now.

Honesty and trust, I think they go together in some ways but maybe not completely entertwined. In my past, when I couldn't trust my ex wife, I found I couldn't be honest with her. At the same time if a person isn't honest and is found out trust will no doubt suffer.

One of these you can control, the other not so much. I suppose you can say, "I will trust him/her." But that isn't something you can really decide., Trust comes from deep inside. Honesty however is completely a decision. Sometimes a tough decision but still a decision.

With my Mistress I trust her without a second thought. That is why I was able to be honest with her about who I really am inside. I also know that she trusts me. Its up to me to keep that trust by staying honest with her.

Trust can be rebuilt but I am here to say its easier to keep the trust by staying honest than have to repair the damage and allow the trust to be returned. A person could say all they want, "You deceived me, your going to have to do A, B and C to get my trust back." But in the end the trust comes back only when the person who lost the trust is comfortable in being trustful again.

My friend has been successful in repairing trust but the amount of work put into it is much better spent on being forthcoming in the first place.

A small example would be when Mistress comes home from work, (I usually get home a little before her.) I usually do somethings around the house to tidy or clean up. When she comes home she may ask, "Did you do (fill in the blank)." Sometimes it might be a chore she asked me to do, sometimes she is just asking in general. Sometimes its not easy to say, "No I forgot" or "I didn't think to do that." Sometimes there is that urge to say, "I just got home and haven't had time." Now if that's true then that's fine but sometimes it might be a way to get out of having to admit a deficiency. That will always lead to another small white lie to be told. "Oh, you got home a little late, Something happen at work that caused you to stay later than normal?" See where this goes. Now to cover the first one you have to say a second one. With my Mistress it never works, she knows, but sometimes she just lets it go. In those times I know I have put a small hit on my trust level in her eyes. I have tried so hard to keep that trust that it is getting easier to just be straight up right from the beginning. Its way easier in the long run. More importantly small lies lead to bigger ones and I never, ever want to have that conversation where she is truly hurt by something I was dishonest about.

Its a great motivator for me and I suppose for others.

I hope no one misunderstands my point here. I am not in any way picking on my friend. Just talking with him about the situation brought a flood of things from my previous marriage back to me. Dark days in my life, days where I assumed my life would be spent as a lie to everyone.

Obviously I can't share my lifestyle with many others. Too many people are judgmental. But having a Mistress that I can share everything about who I am and having at least a select few people that I can also share who I am truly inside has changed me completely.

I would love to hear others thoughts about this and maybe things in their life that had a similar or even opposite effect on them.

A bit of a change

This weekend my Mistress made a huge mess in the bathroom.

Normally in our FLR I do the cleaning but there are times when she makes a big mess that she will clean it up, telling me that she feels guilty if I do it.

Yesterday was one of those examples. After she made the big mess she told me after dinner she would clean it up. I told her that it wasn't necessary for her to do it. She admitted that even in charge she feels guilty having me clean up when her mess if over the top.

That sparked a discussion about it and I finally convinced her that not only did I accept cleaning the mess up but I really wanted to. How it's important for me to serve her, fully, not just when the work is minimal.

At one point in the conversation she said, "I think you will be upset if I don't allow you to clean it up, won't you?"

I admitted that in a way I would. She let me clean it up and told me, "That doesn't mean I will let you slack on doing a good job." While I cleaned everything up she took a walk and relaxed on the couch after.

Slowly she becomes more comfortable in our relationship, more than before.

One thing is for sure. She is the leader and I do obey her but she wants to know that I am obeying her because I want to not just because I have to. This weekend added a level of comfort to our lifestyle.

My guess is next time she makes a mess like that she won't think twice about assigning me that work. Which is just the way I like it.

A Female dominant marriage is a constant and slow work in progress. Not just ours but all are in some respects. We took it slow and over time it really is paying off.

Response to last post and a new get together with friends.

Thanks for everyone who posted a response to my last posting. I was going through a tough time for a bit. As usual the worst enemy to a good solid understanding FLR is communication.

Honestly we communicate well however sometimes when something starts to bother me I delay in bringing it up. That time between the issue entering my mind and the time where I actually discuss the situation with Mistress is the "Dangerous Time" for me. Its when my mind thinks the worst, assumes the negative and I begin to doubt myself. I never seem to doubt Mistress or her love, I just worry I am going too far, wanting too much or too focused on the submissive portion of what happens instead of properly balancing that with our regular relationship.

We talked and she reassured me that my thoughts were off base. Matter of fact I think so much so that she was surprised I was thinking things like I was. I guess just further proof that I need to stop over analyzing and continue to just follow her rules and enjoy the hell out of life.

That brings me to the next portion of today's post. Last Saturday we met up with our friends that share our lifestyle. Up until Saturday we have always kept our conversations to non FLR Topics for the most part.

Now this wasn't really a plan by us consciously to talk about certain things or not talk about certain things. I think in some ways it was more of a getting to know each other process. Of course I can only speak for myself and not the other 3 in our group but it is important to me to be friends that share a similar lifestyle than be people that share a similar lifestyle that are friends. I guess friendship should be first, lifestyle second. Of course without the common friend of I'm Hers and the fact that both couples live in this manner we never would have met but since we did I think we found that finding friendship first and foremost makes the rest better.

Well Saturday night, we are in a crowded restaurant and we begin talking about D/s things and conversation is very natural. At one point the 3 of them are discussing the fact that I tend to be too vocal during punishment sessions. I think at that point I see both girls discussing it and while the funny me wants to make light of it and maybe cut a joke in on the conversation the submissive part of me says to let the girls speak and just listen. Being new to sharing our views with others that was the first time that I had that feeling come over me.

The conversation was all at normal levels and with a bunch of people all around us it didn't seem like a big deal if anyone overheard. In some ways that just us being comfortable with who we are but for a guy who has hidden his desires from the world since age 10 or so it still took some getting used to.

On the way home I asked Mistress if she felt strange talking about things like that in front of our friends. She simply responded that it felt pretty normal to her and not a big deal. That made me extremely happy. Obviously being the one who asked for this type of relationship there can always be concerns that she isn't enjoying it as much as I am.

I think my lesson from Saturday night is simple. I any of the 4 of us enjoy living this type of relationship just as much as the others but maybe we all enjoy it for slightly different reasons. I guess that is the spice of life.

Of course we are looking forward to the next get together already. Hopefully it won't be long.

Submission, Guilt and doing what makes you happy.

This is a little change of pace from previous posts.

I have been hit with a bit of guilt lately.

As you may know I enjoy cross dressing from time to time, especially when cleaning or serving my mistress.

It is something I have always dreamed of, and until meeting Mistress never had the opportunity to indulge in.

While my Mistress allows me to indulge and never complains about it. In my mind I believe she would rather I didn't. I guess you could say she is pretty non committal about it.

Now nothing is wrong nor is there an issue, just some guilt building up in me. It's something I enjoy, enjoy a lot, actually but is indulging in a way being selfish? I long ago decided I did not want to be a selfish person and wanted to put the love of my life first.

I serve my Mistress I try to focus on things she enjoys, while I know that doesn't mean cutting out things I enjoy, I wonder sometimes if it should it mean I should try to stay away from things maybe she doesn't like so much. Again she hasn't said I should stay away from indulging, no, this is just an internal battle I am having with myself. I know in my heart what I enjoy but I also feel that just because she allows it and deals with it, doesn't not mean she would rather I didn't do it.

It's almost like a catch 22, even if she doesn't care for it, she will be ok with it because she knows how much I enjoy it. She will be ok with it for me.

But in a way does that make me selfish? Would it be better to resist the urge and not have to subject her to it?

The last week or so I have been resisting, I haven't really made a big deal about it, not sure she knows or realizes it. Just trying to see how it works out. Early results have been difficult but manageable.

I am positive we will be discussing this issue soon as not only can't I keep anything from her but even closed she can read me like a book.

I am not sure there is a good answer to this, not sure if there even needs to be an answer to it, as nothing is really wrong. Well except for my continual internal battle with myself to be always try to be a better person and improve each day. Of course there is a chance I am just over analyzing things.

Comments are always welcome.

Self discovery

Ok, so I don't post for a month then 3 times in a week. Typical for me.

I have been on another journey of self discovery lately. Thinking about my past and how I got to where I am now.

I tend to do this once in a while and I believe it keeps me grounded and helps me appreciate what I have in life.

Lately I have been thinking about the beginnings of my submissiveness and that time period where I fantasized about what I wanted and did absolutely nothing about it. That period of time was about 30 years long and truth be told I do believe if I would have done something about it, told me ex wife, or told someone else I think I would have regretted it.

I know for a fact that going thru my divorce it would have been used as a big club to hit me over the head with. That's just how she is and inside, even though I loved her, I knew it she would one day use it against me. I never could trust her to the level that I could open my true self up to her. In a way that is just sad. To be married for almost 20 years and not feel you can truly trust someone. At the time I didn't feel that way, no, there was just a feeling of uncertainty about saying what I thought about inside my head, an instinct that told me, "Don't tell her." Was I dishonest...Yes, but in the end I had to protect myself.

Not sure how this translates to everyone else and their experiences but as much as I always say to be honest and tell the truth to your partner. I also think you need to be honest with yourself. Looking back on it, keeping the secret might have been one of the best decisions I made in my first marriage. I see her now for who she truly is and although I was blinded by love for two decades I somehow knew.

Maybe it wasn't evident until I met someone I could truly trust. Someone who opened my eyes to what life can be.

I thank god then when I met that person who could change my life I was ready to accept her, and to be able to be ready to be with her.

For those of you struggling with this same predicament all I can say is if you truly trust your spouse then speak with her about your feelings, about what's going on inside. Life is so much better when you can be 100% honest with the person you are with. However if you are unsure then think long and hard.

Look I admit even if she would have blabbed to the world that I was a submissive, enjoyed cross dressing and things of that nature, I would have survived. But there would have been undo pain caused on me and my kids. I am afraid my secret is reserved for people that I can trust fully and completely.

In time my secret may get out and I will deal with it at that time. But defending it form a person bent on destructing you because of their nature vs. explaining it to people who care for you are way different scenarios.

Last point about this, I didn't leave her and never would have, I was accepting of my situation and although I wasn't happy I made the best of it. I look back now and realize that staying with her, while maybe the right thing to do because of my commitment to marriage would have caused me to miss my chance at a truly happy life. Thank god she wanted out.