Ok, so I don't post for a month then 3 times in a week. Typical for me.
I have been on another journey of self discovery lately. Thinking about my past and how I got to where I am now.
I tend to do this once in a while and I believe it keeps me grounded and helps me appreciate what I have in life.
Lately I have been thinking about the beginnings of my submissiveness and that time period where I fantasized about what I wanted and did absolutely nothing about it. That period of time was about 30 years long and truth be told I do believe if I would have done something about it, told me ex wife, or told someone else I think I would have regretted it.
I know for a fact that going thru my divorce it would have been used as a big club to hit me over the head with. That's just how she is and inside, even though I loved her, I knew it she would one day use it against me. I never could trust her to the level that I could open my true self up to her. In a way that is just sad. To be married for almost 20 years and not feel you can truly trust someone. At the time I didn't feel that way, no, there was just a feeling of uncertainty about saying what I thought about inside my head, an instinct that told me, "Don't tell her." Was I dishonest...Yes, but in the end I had to protect myself.
Not sure how this translates to everyone else and their experiences but as much as I always say to be honest and tell the truth to your partner. I also think you need to be honest with yourself. Looking back on it, keeping the secret might have been one of the best decisions I made in my first marriage. I see her now for who she truly is and although I was blinded by love for two decades I somehow knew.
Maybe it wasn't evident until I met someone I could truly trust. Someone who opened my eyes to what life can be.
I thank god then when I met that person who could change my life I was ready to accept her, and to be able to be ready to be with her.
For those of you struggling with this same predicament all I can say is if you truly trust your spouse then speak with her about your feelings, about what's going on inside. Life is so much better when you can be 100% honest with the person you are with. However if you are unsure then think long and hard.
Look I admit even if she would have blabbed to the world that I was a submissive, enjoyed cross dressing and things of that nature, I would have survived. But there would have been undo pain caused on me and my kids. I am afraid my secret is reserved for people that I can trust fully and completely.
In time my secret may get out and I will deal with it at that time. But defending it form a person bent on destructing you because of their nature vs. explaining it to people who care for you are way different scenarios.
Last point about this, I didn't leave her and never would have, I was accepting of my situation and although I wasn't happy I made the best of it. I look back now and realize that staying with her, while maybe the right thing to do because of my commitment to marriage would have caused me to miss my chance at a truly happy life. Thank god she wanted out.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
A weekend to remember
Now that the holidays have passed, the kids are back to school and family tragedies are in the mirror, (well for now at least, I realize those are always going to be a part of life) the FLM is now gaining momentum.
We have a weekend away planned and as such this past weekend was a good time to catch up on some chores. Mistress had some work to do for her job so she had no issue in keeping me busy.
Saturday she left me with some tasks to accomplish and headed out to do some running around, shopping, gym, etc. When I finally finished my tasks for the day I texted her and let her know I was done. She texted back, "When you cleaned the bathrooms did you mop the floors or just sweep?"
I responded, "Just swept." Knowing what was probably coming next.
She answered, "Scrub them on your hands and knees and use bleach, that way you can be sure you got everything nice and clean."
She then took the opportunity to let me know that I would have some extra time to get the floors done as she was relaxing at that tanner. While I scrubbed away at the floor, and yes wearing a dress of hers. I contemplated how much I really enjoyed my life with her. Yes usually she isn't quite as dominant as that but when she gets in her moods, watch out. Well now is one of those moods. I have to admit she fills every fantasy that filled me since adolescence when she is in those moods. While when she isn't in that mode we still live and FLM albeit much more even keel. Yes I obey, yes she is in charge but she doesn't always ask as much. The point is I think she provides us a great balance in our lives.
When you are best friends, lovers and also Mistress and sub life can vary. There needs to be time for all phases of your lives. As best friends we need to have times where we do what we love together, we love to golf. At Golf I drive the cart and we joke around, I pick on her, she picks on me, we just have a good time, BUT I am still subservient to her at some level, it just doesn't show as much. I still make sure I get doors for her, she may tell me she wants a drink but all in all we just enjoy each others time. We need time like that. When we are lovers we might enjoy a nice dinner together, watch a movie or whatever else comes up, we do so as lovers but in that situation she still is in charge also, just not as noticeable again. Then of course there is last weekend. Her shopping and texting me extra chores to do without a feeling of guilt or worry that she is over stepping her bounds. We need a balance between all of those times.
I guess my point here is that if you are starting a female led relationship or are in one. Balance is important. You still may have that base part, that foundation that no matter where you are, she is in charge but that is your foundation, upon that there needs to be variety, the spice of life, to allow it all to be more enjoyable.
We love to compete with each other, games, pool, golf, whatever. If I were to let her win because she is the Mistress she would be pissed off, she wants to win but she wants my best. At those times there is nothing submissive about my behavior but even in the heat of batter, a simple, "Get me a drink." Trumps all that.
Sorry to go on but I want to emphasize how important that every second of an FLM or FLR should not be spent on your knees or scrubbing floors, there will be plenty enough time for that to keep your fantasies alive but there also needs to be that balance to allow you both to love each other, enjoy each others company and to continue to explore new things that keep love burning brightly.
This past weekend I spent as her servant, lots of housework, obedience and whatever else a Mistress demands. This weekend we are going away for a romantic get away. I loved last weekend and will just as much love this weekend.
We have a weekend away planned and as such this past weekend was a good time to catch up on some chores. Mistress had some work to do for her job so she had no issue in keeping me busy.
Saturday she left me with some tasks to accomplish and headed out to do some running around, shopping, gym, etc. When I finally finished my tasks for the day I texted her and let her know I was done. She texted back, "When you cleaned the bathrooms did you mop the floors or just sweep?"
I responded, "Just swept." Knowing what was probably coming next.
She answered, "Scrub them on your hands and knees and use bleach, that way you can be sure you got everything nice and clean."
She then took the opportunity to let me know that I would have some extra time to get the floors done as she was relaxing at that tanner. While I scrubbed away at the floor, and yes wearing a dress of hers. I contemplated how much I really enjoyed my life with her. Yes usually she isn't quite as dominant as that but when she gets in her moods, watch out. Well now is one of those moods. I have to admit she fills every fantasy that filled me since adolescence when she is in those moods. While when she isn't in that mode we still live and FLM albeit much more even keel. Yes I obey, yes she is in charge but she doesn't always ask as much. The point is I think she provides us a great balance in our lives.
When you are best friends, lovers and also Mistress and sub life can vary. There needs to be time for all phases of your lives. As best friends we need to have times where we do what we love together, we love to golf. At Golf I drive the cart and we joke around, I pick on her, she picks on me, we just have a good time, BUT I am still subservient to her at some level, it just doesn't show as much. I still make sure I get doors for her, she may tell me she wants a drink but all in all we just enjoy each others time. We need time like that. When we are lovers we might enjoy a nice dinner together, watch a movie or whatever else comes up, we do so as lovers but in that situation she still is in charge also, just not as noticeable again. Then of course there is last weekend. Her shopping and texting me extra chores to do without a feeling of guilt or worry that she is over stepping her bounds. We need a balance between all of those times.
I guess my point here is that if you are starting a female led relationship or are in one. Balance is important. You still may have that base part, that foundation that no matter where you are, she is in charge but that is your foundation, upon that there needs to be variety, the spice of life, to allow it all to be more enjoyable.
We love to compete with each other, games, pool, golf, whatever. If I were to let her win because she is the Mistress she would be pissed off, she wants to win but she wants my best. At those times there is nothing submissive about my behavior but even in the heat of batter, a simple, "Get me a drink." Trumps all that.
Sorry to go on but I want to emphasize how important that every second of an FLM or FLR should not be spent on your knees or scrubbing floors, there will be plenty enough time for that to keep your fantasies alive but there also needs to be that balance to allow you both to love each other, enjoy each others company and to continue to explore new things that keep love burning brightly.
This past weekend I spent as her servant, lots of housework, obedience and whatever else a Mistress demands. This weekend we are going away for a romantic get away. I loved last weekend and will just as much love this weekend.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Epiphany
Sometimes when your a submissive man you get epiphanies. You know things that all of a sudden click on, like the proverbial light bulb going off. Things that your Mistress probably knew all along but waited for you to see when you would figure it out. She had never said so but I believe she thinks that if I figure it out myself I am more apt to remember it.
The other night while we both sat on the couch watching TV, dinner cleaned up and time for a little relaxation before bed. I had an urge come over me to kneel in front of her and just ask how my performance has been lately. Now if you know my Mistress she can sometimes be a little nicer than she should be, or not fully let me have it on things, just because she is who she is.
So her answer is, "It hasn't been that good lately." I was shocked, hurt and began to do what I always do, get defensive, but instead I asked, "In what way?" She answered, "I am going to let you figure it out."
My follow up question was, "Is it in regards to keeping the house clean." She simply said, "Yes. I have not been very happy with it lately." I was ready to let her know that we have been working overtime and we had the daughter in for the weekend and we have been on the run lately but something clicked in me...
She knows all of this and still thinks more could be done, so her complaint isn't because I don't have it done period but that she doesn't think I have done enough with the time I have.
So again instead of getting defensive I just said, "Sorry, your right." To which she simply replied, "I know I am."
Again I thought of doing the next thing I always do, to tell her how I will get better and turn over a new leaf.
But I didn't. I simply said "I am sorry" again. I knew it was better to express my apology with action instead of more words. That was two days ago and I have begun the process of getting things back on track, Now I am not trying to lessen my guilt by saying the place isn't a pig sty, its just she expects more. I am saying this to make the point that just because I think I am doing things, keeping things taken care of doesn't mean she thinks it's acceptable. Anyways with the lack of time it's going to take longer to get to where she wants things than I would like but she has noticed the change. She is starting to point out some things that aren't up to par to help me out in addressing things which she doesn't always do.
My epiphany was of course the resistance to getting defensive and just allowing her to speak her peace, accept it and make a plan of action to fix it. Give her credit to be smart enough to know what is happening in life, If I do the best I can with my time, I have to believe she will know I have done what I can with the time I have. Since then I have really felt more at peace with things.
It can be hard as a sub to let someone give you criticism and just take it, accept it and not argue the point. She is in charge because we both agree she is best to handle it. Just let her do her job and I will do mine.
Now onto a lighter note, our mutual friends are heading to sunnier weather for a short vacation soon and I was thinking, "Hope they good weather down there" HOWEVER!!! He and I are emailing and somehow he brings up the fact that he receives regular scheduled punishments, Kind of like a tune up every once in a while to keep him on track. So I am reading Mistress his email and get to this point of the email where he talks about his scheduled punishment and she says, "What a great idea. Maybe I should do the same to you."....So how do I place my order for snow in the south this coming weekend??????
The other night while we both sat on the couch watching TV, dinner cleaned up and time for a little relaxation before bed. I had an urge come over me to kneel in front of her and just ask how my performance has been lately. Now if you know my Mistress she can sometimes be a little nicer than she should be, or not fully let me have it on things, just because she is who she is.
So her answer is, "It hasn't been that good lately." I was shocked, hurt and began to do what I always do, get defensive, but instead I asked, "In what way?" She answered, "I am going to let you figure it out."
My follow up question was, "Is it in regards to keeping the house clean." She simply said, "Yes. I have not been very happy with it lately." I was ready to let her know that we have been working overtime and we had the daughter in for the weekend and we have been on the run lately but something clicked in me...
She knows all of this and still thinks more could be done, so her complaint isn't because I don't have it done period but that she doesn't think I have done enough with the time I have.
So again instead of getting defensive I just said, "Sorry, your right." To which she simply replied, "I know I am."
Again I thought of doing the next thing I always do, to tell her how I will get better and turn over a new leaf.
But I didn't. I simply said "I am sorry" again. I knew it was better to express my apology with action instead of more words. That was two days ago and I have begun the process of getting things back on track, Now I am not trying to lessen my guilt by saying the place isn't a pig sty, its just she expects more. I am saying this to make the point that just because I think I am doing things, keeping things taken care of doesn't mean she thinks it's acceptable. Anyways with the lack of time it's going to take longer to get to where she wants things than I would like but she has noticed the change. She is starting to point out some things that aren't up to par to help me out in addressing things which she doesn't always do.
My epiphany was of course the resistance to getting defensive and just allowing her to speak her peace, accept it and make a plan of action to fix it. Give her credit to be smart enough to know what is happening in life, If I do the best I can with my time, I have to believe she will know I have done what I can with the time I have. Since then I have really felt more at peace with things.
It can be hard as a sub to let someone give you criticism and just take it, accept it and not argue the point. She is in charge because we both agree she is best to handle it. Just let her do her job and I will do mine.
Now onto a lighter note, our mutual friends are heading to sunnier weather for a short vacation soon and I was thinking, "Hope they good weather down there" HOWEVER!!! He and I are emailing and somehow he brings up the fact that he receives regular scheduled punishments, Kind of like a tune up every once in a while to keep him on track. So I am reading Mistress his email and get to this point of the email where he talks about his scheduled punishment and she says, "What a great idea. Maybe I should do the same to you."....So how do I place my order for snow in the south this coming weekend??????
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Personal issues take front stage
Well another long absence form posting. My reason this time...Death in the family. The loss of my Dad around the holidays really sent the month of January in free fall.
After a while things have gotten back to normal, well as normal as possible but truth is this is the new normal and the old normal will never return. That is life and we must move past it. I have done so, maybe with a piece of me gone forever but still life is back to a sense of normalcy.
Work has been so busy, (no complaint here) that I am afraid until that changes I won't be able to post with the same frequency as I once did. Its another example that life just changes and we have to change with it. I will always post, maybe just not as much as I would like...although maybe more than some would wish. LOL.
Our FLM, is going wonderfully. The last few weeks especially has found Mistress in a dominating way and me enjoying every moment of it. Empty nest since Mid January always helps in that regard.
Punishments have been down for me lately. Mistress has been happy with my performance lately but sometimes I wonder if I like that or not. In the end my goal is to make her happy, The less punishment she doles out means the less she has been annoyed by my behavior so less punishment = happier mistress. As a result happier Mistress = happier sub. Hmmmm so then by that logic less punishment = happier sub? Not necessarily. I guess I will have to contemplate that some more. I guess in some ways punishment is a certain type of attention that is given to me by Mistress. I get plenty of attention from her, so the quantity of attention isn't an issue. Its just the spice of life and the type of attention that must be the issue here. As I said I will contemplate and probably figure nothing out but I will contemplate none the less.
We have met a couple times with our fellow FLM couple since last post. We are looking forward to the next get together but unfortunately they got some bad news and had a loss in their family as well. Mistress and I are sending prayers and condolences. I certainly can relate to the situation.
Looking forward to Valentines day, we are going to go away for a weekend to celebrate but not this weekend. We will have a couple week delay in our valentine weekend but I am sure we will still have a great time on Saturday.
To everyone out there, have a great Valentines day, hope your families are all healthy and remember to tell loved ones how much they are loved, you never know when that time will come.
After a while things have gotten back to normal, well as normal as possible but truth is this is the new normal and the old normal will never return. That is life and we must move past it. I have done so, maybe with a piece of me gone forever but still life is back to a sense of normalcy.
Work has been so busy, (no complaint here) that I am afraid until that changes I won't be able to post with the same frequency as I once did. Its another example that life just changes and we have to change with it. I will always post, maybe just not as much as I would like...although maybe more than some would wish. LOL.
Our FLM, is going wonderfully. The last few weeks especially has found Mistress in a dominating way and me enjoying every moment of it. Empty nest since Mid January always helps in that regard.
Punishments have been down for me lately. Mistress has been happy with my performance lately but sometimes I wonder if I like that or not. In the end my goal is to make her happy, The less punishment she doles out means the less she has been annoyed by my behavior so less punishment = happier mistress. As a result happier Mistress = happier sub. Hmmmm so then by that logic less punishment = happier sub? Not necessarily. I guess I will have to contemplate that some more. I guess in some ways punishment is a certain type of attention that is given to me by Mistress. I get plenty of attention from her, so the quantity of attention isn't an issue. Its just the spice of life and the type of attention that must be the issue here. As I said I will contemplate and probably figure nothing out but I will contemplate none the less.
We have met a couple times with our fellow FLM couple since last post. We are looking forward to the next get together but unfortunately they got some bad news and had a loss in their family as well. Mistress and I are sending prayers and condolences. I certainly can relate to the situation.
Looking forward to Valentines day, we are going to go away for a weekend to celebrate but not this weekend. We will have a couple week delay in our valentine weekend but I am sure we will still have a great time on Saturday.
To everyone out there, have a great Valentines day, hope your families are all healthy and remember to tell loved ones how much they are loved, you never know when that time will come.
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