Self discovery

Ok, so I don't post for a month then 3 times in a week. Typical for me.

I have been on another journey of self discovery lately. Thinking about my past and how I got to where I am now.

I tend to do this once in a while and I believe it keeps me grounded and helps me appreciate what I have in life.

Lately I have been thinking about the beginnings of my submissiveness and that time period where I fantasized about what I wanted and did absolutely nothing about it. That period of time was about 30 years long and truth be told I do believe if I would have done something about it, told me ex wife, or told someone else I think I would have regretted it.

I know for a fact that going thru my divorce it would have been used as a big club to hit me over the head with. That's just how she is and inside, even though I loved her, I knew it she would one day use it against me. I never could trust her to the level that I could open my true self up to her. In a way that is just sad. To be married for almost 20 years and not feel you can truly trust someone. At the time I didn't feel that way, no, there was just a feeling of uncertainty about saying what I thought about inside my head, an instinct that told me, "Don't tell her." Was I dishonest...Yes, but in the end I had to protect myself.

Not sure how this translates to everyone else and their experiences but as much as I always say to be honest and tell the truth to your partner. I also think you need to be honest with yourself. Looking back on it, keeping the secret might have been one of the best decisions I made in my first marriage. I see her now for who she truly is and although I was blinded by love for two decades I somehow knew.

Maybe it wasn't evident until I met someone I could truly trust. Someone who opened my eyes to what life can be.

I thank god then when I met that person who could change my life I was ready to accept her, and to be able to be ready to be with her.

For those of you struggling with this same predicament all I can say is if you truly trust your spouse then speak with her about your feelings, about what's going on inside. Life is so much better when you can be 100% honest with the person you are with. However if you are unsure then think long and hard.

Look I admit even if she would have blabbed to the world that I was a submissive, enjoyed cross dressing and things of that nature, I would have survived. But there would have been undo pain caused on me and my kids. I am afraid my secret is reserved for people that I can trust fully and completely.

In time my secret may get out and I will deal with it at that time. But defending it form a person bent on destructing you because of their nature vs. explaining it to people who care for you are way different scenarios.

Last point about this, I didn't leave her and never would have, I was accepting of my situation and although I wasn't happy I made the best of it. I look back now and realize that staying with her, while maybe the right thing to do because of my commitment to marriage would have caused me to miss my chance at a truly happy life. Thank god she wanted out.