Why am I superly submissive???

I know superly really isn't a word. Maybe I just invented it but if it did exist it would fit my mood lately.

It's not been that long since my last release but the level of my submissiveness is over the top the last week or so. That doesn't mean I am not usually submissive, matter of fact I pride myself on the small amount of time that I am not in a submissive frame of mind. Even after a release, a time when so many subs have a difficult time, I seem to be at my submissive best for Mistress quickly. For me the times when I lose submissiveness is when stress permeates my mind.

So even though work is stressful right now that hasn't slowed down my submissiveness at all. Like I said the last week or so have been over the top. Dreams almost every night. Going the extra mile for Mistress without her saying and just the fact that my mind doesn't go more than a few minutes without having submissive thoughts go thru my head. Notice I didn't mention obedience. Whether I am feeling submissive or not I obey Mistress without question so there is no change in that regard.

I really have no idea what has caused this but I am quite happy about it. The best part is that now living as I am being in a submissive mood allows me to express it to Mistress when we are home after a long day at work or whatever the day calls for. The first 43 years of my life were spent time after time dreaming of being able to serve, submissive moods were just more difficult times to ignore what I wanted in life. Now those "superly" submissive times are the best things.

Those times are when I become a little more adventurous, a little more risky in pushing my boundaries and just overall more willing to happily obey with a smile on my face. Mistress recognizes these times also and she likes to push her will a bit too. Overall these are happy days in our house.

I may never figure out what brings it on, just as long as it keeps getting brought on.

FLR and the holidays

I am sure this isn't a new topic but what happens to the average FLR at the holiday season.

No one knows about our FLR relationship so when others are around it goes into stealth mode. If we are at someones house Mistress might glance over to me and shake her glass, a signal that I need to get her another one. But that is usually the extent of it.

If we are hosting the party she will help with things to get them done. She will even help with the cleanup but I don't think its a show to throw people off but instead just helping because there is a lot more to clean up. Mistress doesn't want me to miss spending time with our family and friends so her help is a way to allow me to enjoy the holidays even more.

So as a submissive do I like this? Am I glad I get some help? A little break from normal duties....HELL NO!!! If it was socially acceptable I would enjoy my role and my service to her in front of others.

That means I see holidays as fun but a little bit of a lost opportunity to serve my Mistress. Don't get me wrong it's completely worth it to spend time and make memories but there is a part of me, that dark part of me, that would rather kneel before her, eyes down in front of her while she had fun.

I guess as the holiday season approaches we should all think about the things in life we are grateful for. For each of us that list is different. But no matter how bad things are, how stressful they are there are things we all should be happy are in our lives. This is the time of year to focus on those things, to say thanks for having those things.

For me the ability to live my life serving my Mistress is near the top of the list.

Subby Weekend

This weekend was an extremely Submissive time for me. Mistress was feeling more dominant than normal and with everything being busy the house wasn't as clean as usual. Saturday was a long day of cleaning for me. However we had an afternoon appointment on Saturday so I had to stop working at a certain time.

Before leaving Mistress asked me, "So looks like you got a lot done already, I see my bedroom hasn't been cleaned yet, when are you planning on getting that done, my makeup area is really a mess?"

As a side note the term "Her bedroom" references the room we both sleep in, it belongs to her just as I do."

I answered, "I want to have it done this weekend, so either later today or tomorrow."

She just looked at me and after a minute I realized she didn't like my answer, she pushed me down to my knees and repeated, "So when are you going to get my room cleaned, so I don't have to deal with a messy makeup area?"

That stopped me as I realized now what I had done. I was telling her when I was going to do what she wanted done. Not doing it when she wanted it done.

I changed my response, "I will clean your room when you decide you want it cleaned."

She replied, "That's better, I want it done as soon as you are able."

We got home that evening from our appointment and I was pretty tired, she never told me to clean the room, we relaxed on the couch watching TV but I knew in my head that I should be cleaning her mess up. So I asked for permission to go clean her room. She smiled and said, "That is an excellent idea."

It was almost 10pm before I was done but she was quite happy. I was glad I had it done and out of the way and it made for an easier Sunday.

As a sub it was a great learning experience for me. Serving her means serving her when and how she chooses. As a servant it is not my place to decide when something is convenient for me to do.

When her area is dirty or messy or just needs cleaning up, the delay on my end causes her to have to deal with that mess when she shouldn't have to. And Saturday night that time I spent cleaning her bedroom while she watched a movie was one of the more powerful submissive feelings. I knew while cleaning that area that I was working instead of relaxing so she could relax and so she could enjoy a clean room. The whole time that tingle of excitement in the pit of my stomach was present and I enjoyed every second of it.

Mistress has become extremely comfortable in the knowledge that when she makes a mess her only responsibility is to decide whether my clean up efforts were to her expectations. I have learned that these moment also make my submissive fantasies every thing I have ever dreamed of.

"None of your business"

She was joking when she said it and probably doesn't really remember the situation but those words, "None of your business." fuel my submissive desires like no other seem to.

I guess I should explain a bit. A few months back I was cleaning on a Friday evening after work, it was getting late, not real late but after a long day at work, 9pm can feel late to keep cleaning. I asked Mistress if it was OK to stop for the evening and relax a bit. Her answer with a laugh was, "No, keep cleaning, you haven't been cleaning enough this week, I want you to keep going." I said "Yes Mistress, can I ask how long I have to continue?"

Her answer with a big grin was, "No you may not, what I do with my servant and how long I want him to work is none of your business, you just keep working until I decide differently."

She said it to rub in her dominance to me and she knows how much those types of actions get my submissive juices flowing.

When she said those words though, it was like a bolt of lightning running thru me. The idea that what I was going to do, how long I had to work and if I would get to relax really wasn't my business, that my job was to obey, there is another person, who has the authority, that decides those other things.

Words cannot describe the emotions that bounce around the brain of a submissive when power like that is exerted on us. Many days when I am not feeling so submissive because of work stress or something else, just thinking back to that moment will get me right back to where I want to be.

If you aren't a submissive those words would be nails on the chalkboard to think that what you will be doing really isn't your own business, that somebody else has complete control. To a submissive it can be heaven, knowing you are truly there for someone else, a tool to be used, without complaint, without bitterness or jealousy, to know your place and knowing you have dreamed your whole life to be in that exact spot.

Big bag of wind.

The title might not fit too well. But Sunday we were in the path of the Midwest storm that caused a lot of damage. Put our power out for 2 days and caused a tree to fall and land on our house.

Lots of cutting in cold and snow and even a episode of tree cutting last night with Mistress holding a flashlight while I had the chainsaw going in near dark conditions.

Bottom line, not fun and add to it the generator wouldn't work until I completely tore apart and cleaned out the carburetor and you might be able to guess the week has been anything but a submissive trip down fantasy lane this week.

Still with all that going on my place is still reminded by Mistress' little shows of dominance. So even in the face of problems and issues that life can throw at us, our FLR is still ever present.

 I guess the point here is that in our FLR (and my guess many others) there are many times that what you might picture as a submissive life just doesn't match what really happens. Those are the times where you realize the FLR is real. Its not a game played on evenings when it is convenient. As I have said before that's what makes it so good, just being a real way of life for me and not just a game makes it all the better.

Tonight will entail getting home from work and cutting the tree into fireplace logs and preparing Mistress' dinner. For her part she will probably do whatever she chooses and hopefully she will sit back and be glad she has a servant to take care of things.

What makes you really obey.

Thinking out loud. Or at least on paper. Well crap it's not even paper anymore.

Never mind all that, thinking about obedience to my Mistress. What makes a sub obey? I suppose it depends on the relationship, for me it goes way deep to the reason I am how I am.

For us when Mistress tells me to do something I do it however, even with punishment looming, what makes me obey? Am I afraid of being punished, yes at times but that isn't the real reason that when she says scrub the kitchen floor I do it no questions asked. No it goes much deeper, there is a fear that no matter how dominant she is that if I refuse to obey she will relent eventually on her dominance. That scares me more than any punishment I can ever dream of. It would be losing the dream life I always fantasized about.

That more than anything will push me to happily obey her words even at those times where I am not feeling it so much.

The last week as been one of those times, I am trying to get in shape and focusing on that plus the stress level at work is making my submissive life difficult these days. Each day I am getting closer to being myself but late last week was a difficult for my submissiveness, I had to really push myself and as I get more back to my submissive self I am glad I did.

So am I glad it is this way? Would I rather Mistress was so dominant that a slight breach in obedience would result in punishment severe enough that I wouldn't dare disobey her again? No that isn't us, in addition to being my lover she is my best friend as well, so the dynamic between us would change if she treated me so harshly.

I will admit before I really ever experienced submissiveness to another person my fantasies were filled with being the slave of a beautiful woman who owned me, expected obedience and enforced it with an iron will. I also pictured being just that to her a servant, a slave, a tool for her to use to make her life easier, not as an integral part of a relationship. As much as the submissive fantasy portion of my brain gets excited about the prospect of such treatment, I couldn't live life that way full time. It would start out exciting and I would quickly become unfulfilled.

I am much happier with reality of what we have and realize that she does own me heart and soul and she does have my complete obedience. Just not for the reasons I thought in my fantasies.

Uncomfortable topic

Ok time to write about an uncomfortable topic for me.

Cross dressing....

I know a lot of people don't get into it, that's fine but for those of us who do...Why?

I spent decades of my life fantasizing about it without ever doing it, I was too scared, too embarrassed and just thought if it stayed in my mind it wasn't really who I was. So I never tried it but I thought about it all the time.

I would dream that a beautiful woman would own me and make me her slave, dress me up as a maid and make me clean for her and just serve her, to be there for her, without reward. I pictured her giving me this maids outfit to wear that I would act like it was torture to wear it but inside I would be excited beyond belief.

See that's the point. She made me do it...it wasn't my wishes. Well that's a bunch of crap. One thing I learned from Mistress is that she didn't mind me doing it if I wanted to. She has accepted it but it's not anything she makes me do. In the beginning when telling her about my cross dress desires in play she made me do it and I did exactly what my fantasies of old dictated, I acted like I was being forced.

It has taken me a long time to admit that it's something I like, something "I" want to do. That was a hurdle for me. One that didn't get cleared until recently. Now things are different in that regard, I do it when I choose and feel much more at ease with it.

I won't act like I do it all the time, I do it when I clean after work on early on the weekends when I get up to clean. It adds to my submission but yet it is a separate thing from submission.

I am submissive without cross dressing but its hard to cross dress without being in a submissive mood. One thing is for sure, my motivation to work harder, clean better and be more obedient is both more effective for her and more enjoyable for me when I am dressed up.

What does this mean??? Probably not a damn thing but for me to discuss it is just another way for me being closer to who I truly am. Maybe this is a bit of therapy for a guy who lived 40 plus years only dreaming of what he really wanted in life. Therapy for a person who had their fantasies locked in their own head for decades never to be told to a soul, now all of a sudden it's real and it's better than any of those fantasies I have ever pictured.

One thing I am seeing is that, my fantasy that a girl wants me to dress as a girl so I can deal with heels like she has had to do for years isn't the way it works. I am sure most girls have no desire to see their guy dressed like this but there are some that realize that their man wants, maybe even needs this once in a while and is more than willing to "Put up with it" because of the love they have for them.

Many think that in an FLR the men serve and get little in return, if you are one of those who see that from the outside you really are wrong, us men in an FLR get just as much of what we want if not more than the ones we serve, just what we get out of it doesn't match what the average person wants out of a relationship.